In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Attempt 1: Despite of improvements in the agricultural activities, even today majority of the world’s population are suffering from hunger. This essay is going to describe few of the causes for this problem of hunger and propose possible solutions.
The main causes for hunger is one being population growth and the other is Food wastage. Even though there are advancements in agriculture, the food supply is not meeting the requirements of increase in demand. In addition, huge quantities of food is getting wasted in many restaurants, private companies which is further contributing hunger. For instance, there are lot of poor people suffering from hunger in most of the rural areas. Thus, having such growth in population and wasting large quantities of food have lead to the hunger around the world.
Some of the possible solutions might be to have more and more advanced techniques in agricultural industry to produce enough food to meet the increasing demand and making sure the food is reached to everyone possible. On other way is to introduce new schemes, rules to minimize the wastage for instance by donating the remaining food across the streets or in any orphanage, old age home etc.
To Conclude, rise in the human population and wastage of food can be controlled by having more
advancements in food production industry and taking up certain initiatives in a way that food is not wasted
there by leading to a world with fewer people getting effected by hunger.
1. Your introduction is again inappropriate and needs a lot of improvement. Introduction is the most important part of the essay as it makes first impression on the examiner so it needs to be perfect
2. ‘Despite of’ – neve write of with despite
3. ‘hunger’ – you have repeated the same mistakes which were highlighted in the previous feedback. Never use the same words from essay statement in your introduction
4. ‘for’ – of not for
5. ‘is’ – are since you have written causes which is plural, and again you have repeated the word which was not recommended in previous feedback.
6. ‘Food’ – food not Food
7. ‘quantities’ – quantity
8. ‘contributing hunger’ – contributing to hunger
9. ‘hunger’ – overuse of any word is very negative
10. ‘On’ – you mean one
11. ‘Conclude’ – conclude
Band score – 5
Attempt 2: Science and technology has made immense progress in all the fields including agriculture. Although these advancements have been achieved, many people around the globe do not get sufficient food. This essay will shed some light on the causes of this issue and solution for it.
First and foremost, money is unequally distributed amongst people especially in under developed and developing countries. Rich people are consuming organic food on daily basis because of advances made in farming, whereas poor people including farmers do not get minimum required food. Consequently, children are malnourished and this is quite evident in poor countries of Africa. Secondly, many of the nations do not have proper cold storage facilities though they produce large amount of grains and crops. This results in raw food being wasted. For instance, India produces huge amount of crops every year but because of insufficient storage, quantity of food wasted is paramount.
This issues can be addressed by the government by taking adequate measures in resolving them. Food should be taxed at the minimum and if possible, should not be taxed at all and taxes should be made high on luxury items. Moreover, farmers should be paid more amount for their products so that they are also benefited and have sufficient food for them. Private companies should be encouraged to setup cold storage. Since government has limited budget, companies can help minimize food wastage because of lack of adequate storage units.
In conclusion, government has to take appropriate measures to ensure citizens are provided basic necessities of life which in turn will help with developing nation as a whole.
1. ‘has’ – have not has since you are talking about two things
2. ‘Rich people are consuming organic food on daily basis because of advances made in farming’ – it is not a relevant or strong argument since essay is not about good or bad food but lack of food
3. ‘paramount’ – this is not the right word to use here
4. ‘This issues’ – these issues not this issues
5. ‘farmers should be paid more amount for their products so that they are also benefited and have sufficient food for them’ – another irrelevant argument and not a real solution for lack of food
6. Conclusion needs to be a bit more elaborate
Band score – 6