Some people think that the government should take care of disadvantaged people such as the unemployed and homeless people. Do you agree or disagree?
Attempt 1: Most developed nations have schemes and policies to support the needy and the jobless. While some
people believe that helping the poor will negatively impact the economy of a nation and that the government should not take care of the underprivileged, I disagree with them. Not everyone can belong to the same socio-economic strata In a society demarcated by economic status boundaries. A government runs with a simple ideology of ‘For the people, by the people and of the people’. This means that no matter what economic background you may come from, we all deserve support from the government, some more, others less.
Government policies play a pivotal role in the development of a nation’s socio-economic stability and upliftment of citizens of the country. This includes taking care of people who cannot take care of themselves or do not earn anything for a living. And there are two reasons why I agree with this.
Firstly, not having opportunities to earn money makes people resort to unethical means thereby elevating the crime rates in a country. The peace of a nation is disheveled when more and more people resort to crimes. No one is a born criminal. Rather, circumstances make them one. It is imperative to note that many under developed nations where we do not see government schemes supporting people below poverty lines, have high crime rates. For instance, one can clearly see the synergy between high crime rates and poor government support to destitute masses of countries in Africa like Tanzania or Ivory Coast. Whereas one can see that the government policies in countries like Switzerland and Bhutan are around creating equal opportunities for all by providing free skill development programs to those who cannot afford. This way they can become competent in this ever challenging job market and earn for themselves. The crime rates of these countries are at lowest end of the spectrum too.
Secondly, high unemployment rates reduces the purchasing power parity of the nation which in turn drastically reduces the demand thereby affecting the overall gross domestic product of a nation. A poor GDP signifies poor performance of a government of a nation and thereby categorizes a country to developed, developing or under-developed one. If a mature governing body of a nation takes care of the unemployment rates, the nation will enjoy perks of being a developed country in the world politics.
It consumes more of tax-payers hard earned money to combat crime rates and lessen unemployment rates than it takes to support the ones who need help so that these issues can be stopped from arising. Hence I agree that a certain level of care in terms of federal policies or schemes is required to elate the homeless and the needy. This does good to the society as a whole and not just one pocket, if one can see the bigger picture.
Feedback:
1. Once again the essay is way too long and it will harm your score
2. ‘that helping the poor will negatively impact the economy of a nation’ – it is no where mentioned in the essay statement. Do not give your own interpretation to the essay statement
3. ‘In’ – in
4. The structure of your introduction is incorrect
5. Second paragraph is absolutely not needed, it only repeats your opinion in introduction and adds unnecessary words to the essay
6. ‘synergy’ – it is not the right word to use, instead use positive correlation
7. ‘or’ – and not or
8. ‘lowest´- always use the with words like lowest, most, highest etc.
9. ‘reduces’ – reduce not reduces
10. ‘thereby categorizes a country to developed, developing or under-developed one’ – this part is not fitting with the first part of the sentence
11. ‘It consumes’ – not the right way to start your conclusion
12. ‘payers’ – payers’
13. ‘Hence’ – put comma after hence
Band score – 6
Attempt 2: In this contemporary era, many countries are facing several issues such as lack of jobs and poverty. A fair amount of masses, hold an opinion that it is the responsibility of the Governing bodies to look after the people without jobs and homes. I fully accord with the above assertion that Government has the power to enhance and change the lives of such people. My subsequent crumb of writing will vividly elucidate my viewpoints.
To begin with, many youngsters who have completed their education are not getting enough job opportunities to apply their talent and knowledge. Having no source of income is making them hopeless and forcing them to choose illegal ways of earning. At this stage, if the Government would not interfere, inclination in crime rates can be observed as well as people will start migrating to other countries in search of jobs. Due to this trend, nation would not only lose its local talent but would also place the reputation of the whole country at stake. For instance, Sunder Pichai, CEO of Google, who was originally born in India but had to migrate to America for better job. Here, India lost a talented person who could have changed the future of the Indian technology.
Furthermore, homeless people who are forced to spend their lives on roads also deserve a chance to improve their lifestyle. Many of them lose their lives in their young age because of lack of healthcare facilities and basic needs they receive. It can be prevented if the ruling bodies start building some overnight shelters for them as well as jobs should also be provided to them, so that they can start from a new end and get able to afford their daily expenses. To illustrate, several countries tried providing a monthly support to the homeless people and also encouraged the local restaurants and hotels to give them overnight place to live in return of the labour that they received from them; it gave several positive outcomes.
In conclusion, by the support of the Government, unemployed and homeless people can be benefitted in numerous ways. It would not only help the people in need but it would also make the nation more great and a better place to live. Support of local financially strong residents can also improve the situation.
Feedback:
1. The essay is too long, the ideal word limit is 270-320 words
2. ‘Governing’ – governing with small g
3. ‘enhance’ – it is not the appropriate word to use here
4. ‘crumb’ – not the right word to use for essay
5. ‘would’ – does not, not would not
6. ‘For instance, Sunder Pichai, CEO of Google, who was originally born in India but had to migrate to America for better job’ – your example is appropriate, never speak negatively about your country
7. ‘basic needs they receive’ – not grammatically correct and fitting with the earlier part of the sentence
8. ‘from a new end’ – start a new life, not new end
9. ‘get able to afford’ – are able to afford
10. ‘a’ – a should not come here
11. ‘it gave several positive outcomes’ – it should be written in a separate sentence
12. ‘more great’ – more prosperous
13. ‘Support of local financially strong residents can also improve the situation’ – this is an abrupt end to the essay, there is no mention of local residents in entire essay, do not include anything new in the essay which is not mentioned earlier in the essay
Band score – 5
Attempt 3: It is commonly believed that governing bodies should be primarily responsible for looking after less equipped individuals who are deprived of shelter or jobs. I completely disagree with the given statement because such benefits might discourage people to get employed and furthermore, can also cost significantly to the government.
To begin with, working class people are huge assets for any nation’s growth engine, while unemployed people are liability. If government provides monetary aid to people, then such freebies will undermine the significance of work and more likely, result in less workforce. To elucidate, if government guarantees fix income of 2000 Rupees for me being unemployed then I would hardly have any motivation to go for work, as my needs are fulfilled. Hence, social policies, in favor of monetary aid to poor people, can lead to reduction in employment rate which, in turn, can prove harmful for nation’s development.
Additionally, government needs to expend heavily in feeding underprivileged people. Apart from the first world, there are hardly any countries having good financial records. Most of the countries are having high fiscal deficit. For instance, India’s one-third population lives below poverty line which accounts for almost 35 crores of people and to take care of them is a nightmare and practically impossible task. Therefore, such humanitarian tasks are applicable in ideal condition but considering today’s situation in most of the countries, such allocation of budget is beyond imagination.
In conclusion, although it is required to bolster our poor class of individuals, government can do little to help them as it can further increase unemployment rate and also it is difficult for nations to afford execution of such monetary aid regulations.
Feedback:
1. ‘It’ – do not start your essay with words like it, there, while, these etc.
2. Otherwise it is a well written introduction, concise and clear
3. ‘Rupees’ – use INR, for currencies always use the international nomenclature not local
4. ‘countries’ – country not countries since you have written any
5. ‘which accounts for almost’ – which amounts to nearly
6. ‘crores’ – use millions or billions, not lakhs or crores
7. ‘nightmare’ – use such strong negative words wisely, taking care of poor by the government is surely a tough task but not nightmare
8. In terms of language it is a very well written essay but in terms of arguments it could have been better. It is wise to write a balanced essay while addressing social issues. For example in this essay you could have mentioned that only monetary help will not work. Government should provide skills and employment opportunities to the unemployed. Shelter homes could be built for homeless where these people can be given vocational training so that they can earn for themselves
Band score – 6-6.5
Attempt 4: In this modern era, many people assert that government must look after jobless and those people who are deprived of home. At the same time, many other believe that administration of countries should not be taking care of these people. According to my perspective government should certainly take responsibility of such people. Although, I will jot down both point of views in this essay; however, my orientation is tilted towards the firstly mentioned point.
My first and foremost point is that if government will not take accountability of indigenous people than who will take? As, one provides hefty taxes to government throughout one’s life time, and if one is losing job due to unprecedented circumstances, for instance Covid-19 pandemic or natural disasters, government should definitely provide assistance in these situations. No one in this contemporary world should sleep hungry and they should have at least a roof to sleep; therefore, government must take robust action to not only provide jobs, but also, arrange a place to live for unemployed and homeless humans.
Admittedly, it is not practically possible for any underdeveloped, developing or overpopulated countries to facilitate jobs and home to all jobless and homeless people. Moreover, if they will attempt also, their economy will plummet; because, by nature humans are lethargic and most people will try to avail free facility and stop working. At the same time, I strongly believe that one should work hard to earn livelihood and should not be enduring lack of home or job.
Based upon aforementioned points, I would like to recapitulate that government must take ownership of their citizens even if they are not employed or do not have home to live. I am in complete agreement for the same, as these should be kind of fundamental rights of humans to survive.
Feedback:
1. ‘At the same time, many other believe that administration of countries should not be taking care of these people’ – there is no mention of this opinion in the essay statement
2. ‘I will jot down both point of views in this essay’ – wrong end to introduction, this is agree disagree type essay so you cannot write that you will discuss both views. In there is not second view in the statement
3. ‘accountability’ – this is not the right word to use here
4. ‘will take?’ – this is a statement so should not end with ? but with full stop
5. ‘roof to sleep’ – roof over their head to sleep under
6. ‘countries’ – country not countries because you have written any in the sentence before
7. The structure of your essay is wrong right from the introduction to the conclusion, since you are partially agreeing with the statement you have to mention this in the introduction, where you have wrongly mentioned that you favour one side only.
8. ‘enduring’ – wrong use of the word
9. ‘home’ – homes
10. ‘live’ – live in
Band score – 6