The education of young people is the main priority in countries around the world. Some people believe that educating adults who cannot read or write is essential for the society and more funding should be made available for it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Attempt 1: In this contemporary modern world, one even cannot imagine illiteracy of young adults in several countries; ironically, it still exists. Many people assert that additional funding should be arranged to get rid of this monkey on our back, as it is mandatory to educate all adults. Though, many other people do not agree with this statement; however, I utterly agree with this point and will jot down both the perspectives in this essay.
As per recent survey done by national newspaper, 5% of the world population is not educated and out of them 3 % of young adult. This is stigma to our society; because, education should of integral part of society and there could be various repercussions if young adults are not educated. This is also directly link to their livelihood, as it is extremely difficult to earn enough money if you cannot even read or write. This can also surge crime rates if young adults are unemployed, they will tend to commit crimes to steal money. With that said, government must pay attention to this problem pertaining to the education of young adult and take swift actions to alleviate this illiteracy issue, as well as, allocate adequate budget to tackle this problem.
Admittedly, education should commence at the childhood stage rather than adulthood stage; because, by that time it is not only complex to teach them, but also, it will take significant time as well. In addition to this, government should also enable stringent rules against child labor, so that they can go to school rather than work. By this way, process of education will be smooth and no one will face illiteracy once they cross teenage. Moreover, this method will also save significant money, efforts and time to make young adult literate.
Based upon aforementioned points, I would like to recapitulate that education is fundamental right of humans and all countries of this world must ensure the education of their indigenous illiterate adult people at any cost. This should be topmost priority and proper financial budget should be allocated for the same.
Feedback:
1. ‘even cannot’ – cannot even
2. ‘monkey on our back’ – inappropriate use of this phrase, understand the meaning clearly before using such phrases
3. ‘utterly’ – better to use completely
4. ‘will jot down both the perspectives in this essay’ – since it is a agree disagree type of essay and you have mentioned that agree with the statement hence you cannot discuss both the sides. This makes the structure of essay wrong and you would lose marks on coherent and cohesion parameter
5. ‘3 % of young adult’ – 3% are young adult
6. ‘is stigma to our society’ – is a stigma on our society
7. ‘should of integral’ – should be an integral
8. ‘link’ – linked
9. ‘will face illiteracy’ – will remain illiterate
10. ‘be topmost priority’ – be paramount
11. You should have discussed more about government funding and how to utilize those funds like building more schools and colleges, providing cheap or free basic education etc.
Band score – 5.5-6