IELTS MASTER | sample essay 3

sample essay 3

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Attempt 1: Modernized world is giving an opportunity of meeting people with different cultures. Music, painting and dance are great forms of art which are giving a way to meet persons across the globe. Music is the best among all of these as per my opinion. The following section of essay will illustrate more in detail to support my notion.

Composers can play a music according to the opinions of the public. For an example, last week I have attended a concert by the famous musician A.R.Rahman. For that musical night, there were so many people of different ages from so many states. I met a girl whose name is Shailaja and she is 12 years old. She is from Bihar and came with her grand father. I used to shout for every song and he was enjoying the whole night. With in a short span of time we became friends and now we are very close to each other.




Foreign people are also liking the other country arts especially music.India is a great country of different cultures. The song from the movie Lagaan united all the people of different ages. The National Anthem of India is a very good example where we can sang all the religions and places and we used to respect for all of them by showing the togetherness of our place.

To conclude, playing an instrument or singing a song infront of audience who are strangers irrespective of their age can also bring the closeness of the people who are from different places across the world.

Feedback:
1. The ideal word limit of essay is 270-320 words. You could have added couple of sentences more in the essay
2. ‘play a’ – a should not come here
3. ‘I have attended’ – have should not come here
4. ‘grand father’ – grandfather is one word
5. ‘he’ – he or she?, make it clear whether you are talking about the girl or grandfather
6. ‘With in’ – within is one word
7. ‘liking’ – like not liking
8. ‘music.India’ – give space after full stop
9. ‘sang’ – sing not sang
10. ‘infront’ – in front
11. The arguments and examples in the essay are not strong and convincing enough to make it a good essay

Band score – 5.5-6