Some people find it beneficial to send young children to nursery school before they go to primary school, while others think it is good to keep children at home with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Attempt 1: Many people ascertain that, it is useful to send kids to kindergarten rather than keeping them at home.
However, other presume this is not required and kids should spend time with their family when they are small. Consequently, there is much debate on this stance. Both, opposing views will be discussed in this essay. However, from my perspective kids should go to school in early ages, which help in developing their intellectual and cognitive skills.
There are manifold reasons, why kids need to go to kindergarten. The first and foremost benefit is, kids will start a disciplined life in early ages. Nowadays, kids are usually cranking, demanding and too much attention’s seeker and if they go to school, they will do something productive. Another advantage is to develop crucial skills like creativity, playing in group, start respecting their elders. Kids will always have a motivation to meet new peoples and enjoy the company of same age group.
On the contrary, some people do not prefer to send kids in early ages. They want to keep kids at home and spend time with them. This is also good, if parents are able to spend ample time and teach them at home. But it was observed that parents give up after some time and start annoying on kids. This lead, many times kids are either playing alone or start creating the interest in television or electronic gadgets which is too harmful for them.
In conclusion, there are strong and valid arguments on both sides of fence. Although, this is my considered opinion that parents should send their kids to kindergarten so that kids will get experience of unique school formed for his age group.
Feedback:
1. ‘small’ – small is not the right word to use for kids, you could either write very young or give an age group
2. ‘kids’ – it is an informal word for children so avoid using it
3. ‘in early ages’ – at early stage in their life
4. ‘which help’ – which would
5. ‘manifold’ – wrong use of the word, understand the meaning clearly before using it
6. ‘in early ages’ – grammatically incorrect phrase
7. ‘kids’ – apart from being informal word you have overused this word, avoid repetition of words and phrases this will lower your score on lexical resources parameter
8. ‘attention’s´- attention, apparently you don’t know the proper use of ‘s with noun, learn it properly
9. advantage is to develop – advantage is the development of
10. ‘some time’ – sometime
11. ‘start annoying on kids’ – start getting annoyed with children
12. ‘lead’ – leads
Band score – 5.5-6