Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations, while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give the advantages of both and express your own point of view.
Attempt 1: Some people argue that school going children should need some short tours, while another set of people believe they need a single prolonged tour. Both of it has it own pros hence making it a controversial topic. This essay outlines the impacts of both the tours on growing children.
To begin with, it is an undeniable fact that schooling children need break from their regular routine often. This is because, they cannot be exposed to constant exposure of education all the time. Moreover, various short tours nurtures them with plethora of skills including creativity and to learn and adapt different cultures. Furthermore, these skills should be updated frequently which requires them to take a break from regular chores. For instance, a recent study concludes that, growing youngsters should not be pushed on to regular routine pace, because they tend to get bored frequently and are unable to concentrate in any activities.
On the flip side, some masses believe that one tour for long duration will provide all the benefits to students. Therefore, it is true with some students. The reason includes, children entails a long period of time to accept and adapt themselves to new environment. Thus, providing them with a vacation of long duration gives them time to accept things and observe them on keen manner. In addition, these long tours will help them to live independently in unknown places in their future. Hence, it provides them with acceptance and experience to cherish.
To conclude, both has its own advantages to be considered. I personally opine that, some things can be taught with the guidance of elders, but most of the things should be learned by their own observation and experience. Thus, long-term vacation helps them to cope up with the situation around and builds them with required set of skills.
Feedback:
1. ‘Some people’ – never start with the same words from the essay statement
2. ‘tours’ – there is difference between tours and vacations, vacations mean break from school not tours necessarily
3. ‘Both of it’ – both is plural and it is singular so it is grammatically incorrect
4. ‘it´- their own
5. Your introduction is not appropriate. Watch our tutorial on task 2 and learn how to make the perfect introduction. The link to the tutorial is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0_23FBCnMY
6. ‘nurtures’ – nurture because tours is plural
7. You have misread the essay statement and focused your essay around tours which will lower your score on task completion and coherence and cohesion parameters
8. ‘concludes´- concluded because study has already been done
9. ‘tour’ – you have overused the word tour which highlights your lack of lexical resources and lower your score on this parameter too
10. ‘with’ – for not with
11. ‘both has its’ – both is plural and its is singular hence grammatically incorrect
12. ‘builds’ – better word would be equips them
Band score – 5-5.5
Attempt 2: In the world of school education, it is often debated whether the children should get multiple short vacations or just one long vacation. Both the arguments have its own advantages however in my view, providing multiple short vacations hold more resonance.
Alternatively, providing one long vacation has its own set of advantages too. Firstly, it helps children to get enough time to explore the world outside school. For instance, the children can visit plethora of places with their parents which gives them a good change from the rigorous study schedule of the school. Secondly, students can enroll in an extracurricular activity which holds good for their holistic development. In other words, a pupil can learn new skills during this time and keep oneself relevant with the contemporary world. Thus, one long vacation leaves children with enough time to rejuvenate themselves completely and learn new skills.
Nevertheless, providing multiple short vacations come with long term advantages for the children. Primarily, multiple short vacations help children to unwind from the strenuous education cycle and stay fresh for the upcoming months of classes. To illustrate, this is equivocal to the theory that short breaks during work helps oneself to stay prolific at the workplace. On a similar note, multiple vacations too serve the same purpose. Furthermore, it gives the parents and the children enough time to mull over their progress and improvement areas. Consequently, these help the pupils to stay cognizant of the same and set realistic development goals for their upcoming months of study cycle.
To recapitulate, both the arguments carry their own significance however providing multiple short vacations to children at school level augurs well for their long-term development.
Feedback:
1. ‘multiple short vacations’ – never use the same words and phrases from the essay statement
2. ‘its’ – their not its because both is plural not singular
3. Your introduction is not proper watch our tutorial and learn how to make better introduction. The link to the tutorial is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0_23FBCnMY
4. ‘multiple short vacations’ – avoid repetition of phrases
5. ‘Alternatively’ – not the right way to start your body paragraph, alternatively is used when you have already explained one aspect and now you are discussing the second view
6. ‘advantages’ – you tend to repeat words too often in your writing which is not good
7. ‘equivocal’ – wrong use of the word, please understand the meaning properly before using it in your writing
8. ‘helps’ – help not helps because short breaks is plural phrase
Band score – 6.5