IELTS MASTER | sample essay 10

sample essay 10

Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations, while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give the advantages of both and express your own point of view.

Attempt 1: Some people argue that school going children should need some short tours, while another set of people believe they need a single prolonged tour. Both of it has it own pros hence making it a controversial topic. This essay outlines the impacts of both the tours on growing children.

To begin with, it is an undeniable fact that schooling children need break from their regular routine often. This is because, they cannot be exposed to constant exposure of education all the time. Moreover, various short tours nurtures them with plethora of skills including creativity and to learn and adapt different cultures. Furthermore, these skills should be updated frequently which requires them to take a break from regular chores. For instance, a recent study concludes that, growing youngsters should not be pushed on to regular routine pace, because they tend to get bored frequently and are unable to concentrate in any activities.




On the flip side, some masses believe that one tour for long duration will provide all the benefits to students. Therefore, it is true with some students. The reason includes, children entails a long period of time to accept and adapt themselves to new environment. Thus, providing them with a vacation of long duration gives them time to accept things and observe them on keen manner. In addition, these long tours will help them to live independently in unknown places in their future. Hence, it provides them with acceptance and experience to cherish.

To conclude, both has its own advantages to be considered. I personally opine that, some things can be taught with the guidance of elders, but most of the things should be learned by their own observation and experience. Thus, long-term vacation helps them to cope up with the situation around and builds them with required set of skills.

Feedback:
1. ‘Some people’ – never start with the same words from the essay statement
2. ‘tours’ – there is difference between tours and vacations, vacations mean break from school not tours necessarily
3. ‘Both of it’ – both is plural and it is singular so it is grammatically incorrect
4. ‘it´- their own
5. Your introduction is not appropriate. Watch our tutorial on task 2 and learn how to make the perfect introduction. The link to the tutorial is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0_23FBCnMY
6. ‘nurtures’ – nurture because tours is plural
7. You have misread the essay statement and focused your essay around tours which will lower your score on task completion and coherence and cohesion parameters
8. ‘concludes´- concluded because study has already been done
9. ‘tour’ – you have overused the word tour which highlights your lack of lexical resources and lower your score on this parameter too
10. ‘with’ – for not with
11. ‘both has its’ – both is plural and its is singular hence grammatically incorrect
12. ‘builds’ – better word would be equips them

Band score – 5-5.5


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