Some people believe that sleeping is the only method which allows people to get enough relaxation. Others believe that physical activities such as playing games and exercises also provide enough relaxation. Discuss both views and provide your opinion.
Attempt 1:- There is no doubt that stress affects every person these days. Few believe that sound sleep is the only way to relax while others think physical activities is also of great help. In this essay, I will discuss both sides and explain why I support the latter view.
On the one hand, those who are of the opinion that sleep is the only way to get mental peace, assume that body and mind needs enough rest to reguvenate. This is because many of us are already quite exerted due to pressure and anxiety in our daily lives. For example, many are expected to work 12 to 14 hours a day, and if they get a proper sleep of 8 hours, they will get a chance to freshen up and be ready for a battle next day. If they do not get enough sleep, then it will result into other types of health issues along with diseases related to lifestyle.
On the other hand, I along with others believe that exercise and other related activities help to relax more as it releases certain kind of hormones, which makes us happy and contented. The reason for this is that while exercising, we get fresh air and change of atmosphere, which is of utmost importance for relaxation. To illustrate, most of the top executives try to take out some time from their busy schedule to play games like tennis and golf. As a result, they are able to focus their mind more in work and get great ideas.
In conclusion, although some are of the view that sleep is the only way to calm our mind as it provides enough rest both mentally and physically, I believe physical activities is also required as it gives us more pleasure which in turn relaxes our mind further.
Feedback :-
- ‘There’ – do not start your essay with words like there, these, it, while etc. These are not considered proper words to start an essay
- ‘is’ – are not is because you have written activities which is plural
- Your introduction needs to be better
- ‘the only way’ – avoid repetition of words and phrases, this will reduce your score on lexical resources parameter
- ‘needs’ – need not needs because body and mind are two things hence you cannot use ‘s’ with verb
- ‘reguvenate’ – spelling error, rejuvenate
- ‘a battle next day’ – not an appropriate phrase to use
- ‘which is of utmost importance’ – you need inculcate better vocabulary. For example here you could write which is paramount
- ‘is’ – same mistake, are not is
- ‘it gives’ – these give us
Band score – 6.5
Attempt 2:- Sleeping is considered as one of the effective tools to get sufficient relaxation but, it is not the only way to achieve it. Regular physical activities can also help individuals getting relaxed.In my opinion, sufficient sleep is necessary but some sort of physical exercise can also help in resting.
It is very common to see quick naps in office to relax and recharge for work. It is accepted norm and widely put in practice by employees. But there are also group of people who prefer to go for a walk or hit the office gym after having exhausting meeting. Sleeping might not be right idea for them to relax.
It is medically proven fact that people performing physical exercise, in any form, tend to be fitter and live longer. For instance, walking exercise helps in gathering our thoughts for the day, helps in keeping mind calm, introspecting and in a way relaxing. It also helps in building our physical strength. We are physically active but mind can enjoy some time off from the buzz of daily routine.
It is important to note that physical activity in excess can put a strain on mind which doesn’t help in relaxation. Right amount of sleep and exercise should be followed. Timing is also important. Evenings with cool weather can be good for outdoor physical activity while hot afternoon is more suitable for sleeping. So ,relaxation technique should be chosen appropriately.
All in all, sleeping doesn’t seem to be the only way to get enough rest. Physical activities should also be part of individual’s daily routine.
Feedback :-
- Try to structure your essay in four paragraphs with a conclusion of at least 3-5 lines
- ‘relaxation´- avoid using the same words from the essay statement
- ‘it is not the only way to achieve it’ – do not give your opinion in the first line. First introduce the essay statement clearly and then finish the introduction with your opinion
- ‘individuals getting relaxed’ – individuals to relax
- ‘relaxed.In’ – give space after full stop
- ‘see’ – take not see
- Explain one view in one paragraph. For example in first body paragraph you have mentioned both sleep and exercise. This will reduce your marks on coherence parameter
- ‘doesn’t’ – write full form, does not
- Ideal structure would have been – introduction, first body paragraph about sleep or physical activity, second body paragraph about sleep or physical activity (the one which is not discussed in first paragraph) and then conclusion
Band score – 6.5