Some people believe that nowadays we have too many choices. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Attempt 1: It is often said that modern life presents us with overwhelming of choices. I completely agreed with this and believed that internet and globalization are two major factor to involved.
To begin with, It is totally deniable that the internet has number of choices available to us. For instance, now almost endless. One of the eye catching example is media,that consist abundance of options. Along with this, media aid to support one’s talent and become popular among people.however,there are plenty of things to watch over internet with 24/7 access at anywhere around the world. TO give detailed in my personal point of view that in childhood, I watched only two or three TV’s programs, However nowadays we have numerous shows,films,programs and many more things to watch. Internet provides study material as well as news report.
To adding up, globalization is well-known elaborate concept in order to discuss above statement. While, internet is major fact to study, students have many choice to study globally, It leads to confusion for selection of country which is suitable for their study. Globalization is making world smaller and compounding this problem of too much choice.Cheap international flights have made overseas travel possible for millions of people, but this also means that we are faced with world of options when deciding where to go for holiday or even where to live.
In conclusion, i pen down saying that we are faced with a huge number of options in most area of life nowadays, and this is often more bewildering than beneficial.
Feedback:
1. Try to elaborate more the ideal word limit for essay is 270-320 words, current word count is 255 only
2. Your introduction is very short and inappropriate. Please watch our tutorial and learn how to make introduction in type of task. The link to the tutorial is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7Fk7yDpn4M
3. ‘overwhelming of’ – overwhelming number of choices
4. ‘agreed’ – agree not agreed
5. ‘believed – believe not believed
6. ‘internet’ – Internet with capital I
7. ‘factor’ – factors since you are talking about multiple things
8. ‘It’ – it with small i
9. ‘deniable’ – wrong use of the word, understand the meaning clearly of a word before using it
10. ‘For instance, now almost endless’ – abrupt sentence, without making much sense
11. ‘media,that’ – give space after comma, it is a consistent mistake in your writing and computer will cut your marks for this grammatical mistake
12. ‘aid’ – aids not aid
13. ‘To adding up’ – better phrase is ‘In addition’
14. ‘choice’ – choices because you have written many
15. Conclusion is too short, try to elaborate more
Band score – 4.5
Attempt 2: Globalization, industrialization and advent in the field of technology are the fundamental factors which
are encouraging people to enjoy wide variety of alternatives for quality living. Some individuals believe that currently they do have incredible number of options. I completely concur with this statement and in the following section of this essay, I will expound my reasons in support of that notion.
Firstly, with the leisure of technology and most of the industries spreading all across the board, there has been undeniable access to vast range of products and services regardless of place of a person, most of the daily errands have been conducted in the comfort of room. For example, a survey had been conducted by the Department of Statistics, Russia to analyze the use of internet in different verticals of daily living. The result entailed diversified data representing that 90% of their citizens utilize worldwide web services to do everyday jobs may it be in education or doing shopping or conducting official duties. Consequently, providing them with extensive information with unimaginable choices. Thus, at present humans are available with unthinkable alternatives with the help of technological advances.
Secondly, due to modernization and industrial expansion, the transportation and international trade barriers has come to minimal. Hence, the outcome is tremendous availability of western and eastern food products and other goods all across the globe. For example, a research paper had been released by the University of Chicago, USA stating that 65% of their native products are exported across the world which is the effect of liberal transportation policies adapted for increasing the demand and providing massive options.
By the dint of aforementioned arguments, I have articulated the building blocks that plays significant role at the moment for delivering broad range of alternatives to people. Thus, making the quality of living superior.
Feedback:
1. ‘advent’ – advent is the wrong word to use here, instead write advancement
2. ‘Some individuals’ – the phrase is similar to the start of essay statement, try to use your own words and avoid using words from the essay statement
3. ‘that’ – this not that
4. ‘leisure’ – this is not an appropriate word to use here
5. ‘ most of the daily errands have been conducted in the comfort of room’ – this part is not fitting with the sentence, try to explain this point in a separate sentence
6. ‘internet’ – Internet with capital I
7. ‘jobs’ – write tasks instead of jobs
8. ‘industrial expansion’ – this is the repetition of first line of previous paragraph where you have written industries spreading
9. ‘has’ – have not has
10. ‘come to minimal’ – have been reduced significantly
11. Your body paragraphs are not capturing the main point of choices available in true sense, for example you should have mentioned that today students have many career choices as compared to past where career options were primarily limited to engineering and medical.
12. ‘I have articulated the building blocks’ – the task is not to give the factors behind choices but the choices that we have today. Your essay is falling short on task completion, and coherence and cohesion
Band score – 6
Attempt 3: With a swift rise in digitalization, our world and society has changed to the extents that were not thought of until a few decades ago. This led to a boom in the access to information people have across the globe and gave birth to the movement of globalization. It not only changed the way we learn and interact; but also the way businesses happen within and between nations. Resultantly, people started getting more and more options to the choices they make due to the growth in opportunities. Therefore, I completely agree that we have abundant choices in our everyday life.
Digitalization has covered every single domain a human mind can think of – right from e-shopping, e-banking and job search to online dating! Such prospects have definitely provided us with options as consumers and individuals which our ancestors could not enjoy.
Two of the primary reasons medical science is able to make such remarkable developments in today’s world are – research and easy exchange of information across the continent; things which would have been impossible without digitalization. This has undeniably facilitated us improve our quality of lives.
While the size of computers kept on diminishing, the amount of information bombarded has gone up multifolds. The amount of access to choices our generation enjoys was surely beyond the thought horizon of our forefathers. We are indeed blessed to have huge information access on our fingertips in our day-to-day living and also be able to enjoy medical miracles which were unimaginable to the mankind.
Feedback:
1. Your essay is exactly of 250 words. Use can use more words up to 320 to make your elaborate and showcase your writing ability
2. ‘gave birth to the movement’ – better way to write ‘and led to the phenomenon of globalisation’
3. ‘also’ – put comma after also
4. ‘Resultantly’ – better word is consequently
5. You need to elaborate your view more in body paragraphs rather than introduction. Your introduction is lengthier than each body paragraph which is not an ideal way to write the essay.
6. ‘dating!’ – use full stop instead of !
7. ‘Two of the primary’ – the way you have started second paragraph is not fitting with the earlier part of the essay, this will cut your score on coherence and cohesion parameter
8. Also this paragraph’s content and the way it is written is not relevant to number of choices we have
9. ‘multifolds’ – multi-fold
10. ‘choices’ – repetition of word
11. ‘enjoys’ – repetition of word
12. The last part of your essay is not really relevant to the task. In fact you have fallen short on task completion as you focussed more on information available and not the various choices we have.
13. You need to work on your vocabulary as the current level of vocabulary is very basic
Band score – 5.5