Nowadays people show more anti-social behaviour and a lack of respect to others. What are the causes of this? How could we improve the situation?
Attempt 1: In this day and age, social etiquettes and manners are observed to diminish in individuals. The reasons adhering to such misbehavior are many and are analyzed further on in the essay, however, this cannot be generalized for all, but for the majority its true and hence growing issue of anti-social conduct is worth pondering upon.
Firstly, education begins at home. Nowadays, when children see all adults hooked to electronic devices almost 24/7, the basics of human interaction etiquettes is not implied to a child from the start. Hence, they find it normal to not make eye contact while speaking to another or to stop doing what they are busy with to respectfully hear someone else out. This further more leads to normalization of using mobile phones while driving or walking.
Secondly, with varied set of opinions present over social media and posts on various platform that can fuel the vulnerable mass very easily, anti-social events like violent protests and participation in meaningless political walks that disturbs the regular traffic system of a busy city, has become very common. Little do they know that any such movement disturbs and disrupts the daily lives of common men, and does not have a positive impact on any policy.
To conclude, in societies where they are taught to respect the social presence and space of another human being, one would normally not see such outrageous unsocial conduct. Japan, for instance, has such a culture and protests have a different meaning all together there. They believe in over-working or over-exhausting themselves than troubling others to convey a point. One should be inspired by these civil ways of conduct in countries like Japan, and resort to improve one’s way of reacting to issues or causes. One should also be aware of the misdoings and ill-effects of anti-social actions on others, this would eventually lead to our social improvement.
Feedback:
1. ‘are observed’ – are being observed
2. Though the language used in the introduction is good but the structure needs to be better. Watch our tutorial and learn how to structure your introduction https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0_23FBCnMY
3. ‘Firstly, education begins at home’ – it is an abrupt sentence and does provide good start to the body of your essay
4. ‘is’ – are not is
5. The highlighted part in second body paragraph is not making much sense
6. The structure of your essay is incorrect. In first body paragraphs you should have discusses the causes and in the second body paragraph the solutions
7. Conclusion is too long. It cannot be bigger than body paragraphs. Another flaw in the structure of your essay. You need to work on the basic structure of your essay and get it right
8. You have good command over language and can easily score good bands in writing but for that you need to ensure that your essay is up to the mark in all four parameters.
9. Watch the tutorial carefully and learn how to structure your essay and how to score well on all four parameters
Band score – 6