A growing population is a big problem in many countries. Should the government provide new homes in the cities or countryside?
Attempt 1: A burgeoning population is the one true problem of every developing nation today. Government everywhere is trying to combat this with various methods, one more effective than the other. This essay will debate on whether the government should get involved by providing accomodations in the cities or in the outskirts.
Cities are home to cloud shattering sky-scrappers and are all growing vertically. Some people argue that providing new homes for the expanding population in cities where people will live closer to their lively-hoods is ideal. For example, a research by the transport ministry said that 35% of office workers complained about travelling distance and how driving is affecting their health. This shows lives will be more productive with people living in cities closer to their work places.
On the other hand, there is only so much of expansion a fully developed city can handle. Providing accommodations in the countryside to make room for the steady population expansion makes a lot of sense, specially considering the improvements in the public transport. Adding to this, A study in 2019 by the Municipal Corporation states that the waste disposal in cities is growing at an alarming 40% and can’t handle a population increase.
Adding to a city’s dense population by giving more people homes in the city may worsen the already uncontrolable situation of crowded spaces, pollution and waste disposal. I therefore suggest that the government must step in at the right time and make sure homes are allocated in the countryside and growth happens in a controlled, systematic way. This is key for a well planned cityscape, instead of something rushed.
Feedback:
1. ‘burgeoning’ – burgeoning is generally used with a positive connotation
2. ‘problem’ – do not use the same words from the essay statement, this will lower your score on lexical resources parameter
3. ‘should get involved´- misinterpretation of the essay statement because the statement clearly states that government should intervene, the question is whether to provide housing in urban areas or countryside
4. ‘accomodations´- spelling error
5. It is better to provide your own opinion in the introduction so that the examiner knows what to expect in the essay and will justify the structure of your essay as well
6. ‘said´- revealed is a better word to use here
7. ‘driving is affecting their health´- better way to write ‘driving is having a debilitating effect on their health’
8. ‘A’ – a not A
9. ‘study in 2019´- study conducted in 2019
10. ‘can’t´- do not use contractions in IELTS writing always write full forms cannot
11. ‘worsen´- exacerbate, use this word instead of worsen
12. ‘controlled, systematic´- controlled and systematic manner
13. Your writing style is good. But you need to use better vocabulary to improve your score
Band score – 6.5