IELTS MASTER | sample essay 20

sample essay 20

Today, many people want to get married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are younger. Is it a positive or negative development?

Attempt 1: It is a common trend among young people to marry in their thirties rather than previous generation of people getting married earlier in twenties. Average age of getting married and becoming parents has increased. What can be possible reasons for such societal change? In my opinion, it is having negative impact on individuals.

Over the past couple of decades, more so in last decade, priorities have changed significantly for young people. Focus on career development has sidelined personal commitments. Earlier, social and career aspects were well balanced by people because there was less competition and stress in their jobs. Now, we are living in a cut throat world where there is continuous race to survive. It is difficult for young people to draw a balance between professional life and personal life. To make the matter worse, children add more responsibility to personal life commitments.

Earlier,as per common belief, sexual desires were fulfilled by having sex with your partner after marriage. It was considered as a taboo to have sex outside marriage. Now, we are seeing young people commonly getting involved in sex to fulfill their physical needs.Tinder is one of the most common apps among youth. Society has, by large, accepted this change. So, physical need doesn’t motivate young people for marriage.

Child care expenses are sky rocketing with time. School fees and medical treatments can cause a deep hole in one’s pocket. Financial stability is must for upbringing of children. Generally, people tend to earn more in their thirties than in earlier stages of their career. Late marriages are having adverse effect on individuals. One of the surveys proved that people getting married early are more likely adapt to new balance of life than people getting married late. It is also medically not recommended to become mother for first child in thirties.So, marriages in twenties are
always better for individuals.

Overall, competitive and stressful job market, financial needs and fulfilling physical needs outside marriage are critical factors contributing to increase in average age of getting married and becoming parents. Let’s hope there is improvement in this index in the near future.

1. Too many paragraphs in the essay. Ideally there should be 4 paragraphs and not more than 5
2. ‘It’ – never start your essay with words like it, this, there, while. These are considered improper words to start an essay
3. ‘their thirties’ – avoid using the same phrases from the essay statement, it will lower your score on lexical resources parameter
4. ‘rather than’- as compared to
5. ‘What can be possible reasons for such societal change?’ – do not ask questions in the essay
6. ‘negative’ – too many words picked from the essay statement which is a huge negative point in IELTS writing
7. Your first body paragraph is irrelevant to the essay as the statement does not ask for the reasons behind late marriages. You should start with the disadvantages of late marriages
8. ‘Earlier,as’ – give space after comma
9. Second body paragraph is absolutely inappropriate and irrelevant. Stick to the task and write what the essay statement asks
10. Your whole essay is failing on the parameter of task completion, coherence and cohesion.
11. Understand carefully what the essay statement is all about. Writing good English only would not get you good bands. There are certain marking criteria and you have to keep those in mind while framing your essay

Band score – 5.5