IELTS MASTER | sample essay 2

sample essay 2

Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Attempt 1: Ecosystem is balanced based on the interdependency of all the living organisms on the earth. In early man time period, humans were not at the top of the food chain and that is when there used to be a balance in the ecosystem. But from the time when humans invented new ways or tools for their survival that is when the human started hunting enormously disturbing the ecosystem. This lead to extinction of few species of both plants and animals rapidly. Extinction of such species is definitely a bane.




There are certain other important environmental issues like air pollution, plastic disposals, water pollution as well which should be considered and taken care too. But one should realize that controlling pollution will have a positive impact on minimizing the loss of particular species as well. for example if we prevent the water pollution, there will be no marine animals that are effected due to waste that we dispose into water.

Greediness of humans is the root cause for all of these problems and the human activities are inter linked with both pollution and extinction of species. for example, Birds helps farmers by eating the insects that destroy the farm and increased internet signals bandwidth is effecting the life span of birds. Due to this there is an increase in the usage of pesticides there by degrading the soil fertility. this example clearly states the cause for extinction of bird species and also the indirect cause of soil pollution.

Not only designing but also implementing certain rules or restrictions around each and every human activity should help in minimizing this kind of impact on the environmental issues.

Feedback:
1. ‘lead’ – led to
2. Your introduction is completely incorrect. Watch our tutorial on task 2 and learn how to make perfect introduction https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0_23FBCnMY
3. ‘for example’ – For example,
4. The structure of your essay is not in sync with the statement.
5. Your attempt seems to be confused and gives the impression that you have not understood the task completely which will lower your score on task completion as well as coherence and cohesion parameters
6. The vocabulary used in the essay is very basic and will get you good bands in lexical resources department
7. Conclusion too is not up to the mark
8. The entire essay is kind of incorrect as it does not capture the essence of the essay statement
9. You need to work on all four aspects of writing, grammar is ok though with not many grammatical mistakes. But task completion, lexical resources and coherence and cohesion, your essay is falling well short on 3 parameters.

Band score – 5

Attempt 2: The Mother Nature has been facing numerous issues as result of advancement of technology since, human’s adversely affecting nature for the sake of their comfort. Therefore, some masses are believe that, extinction of some animal and tree species is major problem while other argue that, instead of, there are some other environmental issues are there too, which required more attention. In this essay I will discuss both the side and based on that O will derive a conclusion.




First of all, due to deforestation some breed of animal and plant breed had vanished therefore, it negatively impacted on entire ecological chain because, every sorts of animal and plant are essential part of ecological chain. Consequently, we have been facing some issue in our routine life. For example, due to less amount forest, supply of raw medical in Ayurveda is mitigated in some part of India. Secondly, Some animal lovers and ecologist emphasize on flora and fauna as they are the backbone of our environment. Hence, they create direct or indirect pressure on the government to tackle such issue on priority basis.

However, some schools of thought put stress on other environmental complications such as depletion of ground water is one among them as it session by session it will decline in majority part of place on the earth, especially places which affected by drought. Tamil Nadu is the prefect example for this scenario. Moreover, pollution is pain in neck for the governments as it creates various health related problems such as high index of air quality increase the patients in metro cities. In addition, overall life of people is decline which is result of polluted water and air taken by humans.

In my outlook, pollution and underground water issue need to take care at first level since, it will demand prolong time to solve from the root. In conclusion, both the problems play significant role in our life but pollution need to taken into account first as it harming nature very badly.

Feedback:
1. ‘The Mother Nature’ – do not write the here
2. ‘since,’ – do not put comma here after since
3. ‘masses are believe’ – better to write ‘a section of society believe’
4. ‘that,’ – do not put comma after that
5. ‘instead of’ – of should not come here
6. ‘are there too’ – are there should not come here
7. ‘side’ – sides since you have written both
8. ‘impacted on entire’ – impacted the entire
9. ‘sorts’ – sort because every is used for singular
10. ‘are’ – is not are again every is singular and are is used for plural
11. ‘amount forest’ – amount of forest
12. ‘Some’ – some with small s
13. ‘as it session by session’ – not making any sense
14. ‘which affected by drought’ – which are affected
15. ‘prefect’ – perfect
16. ‘decline’ – life cannot decline
17. Conclusion should be in one paragraph not two separate ones
18. Your writing is full of issues such as spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, incorrect sentence formation, incoherent arguments task 2, falling short on task completion parameter. Your writing needs lot of improvement

Bands score – 5


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