IELTS MASTER | sample essay 17

sample essay 17

Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to
tackle the problem?

Attempt 1: With the evolving ways of modern era and fast pace technology, students are looking forward for more indoor activities rather outdoors. Firstly, this essay will talk about why this is a prompt way to engage themselves by students and what changes shall be made in lifestyle in order to prevent this.

Change is inevitable however it is beneficial only when it brings good rather worst. With increasing modernization, shrinkage of open outdoor, pollution, crime and technology around us has increased the unsaid requirement for students to be more indoor than outdoor. For example, based on the recent study conducted by WHO shows that 37% of students prefer surfing and playing games on the computer rather than actual physical outdoor games.




Based on the above outlined reasons, it has become very important that society is in a great need to understand and recognize the magnus of this issue which could lead future generations towards various medical and behavioral concerns. To prevent the increase use of computer games, parents and society is required to push the students and young generation towards the outdoor games and sports by creating more clubbed play areas for each zone. For example, national data of education reflects that students living in boarding schools are more fitter and healthier than regular school students because they do not get opportunity to play sports that boarding schools student get.

In conclusion, it is very important for current and future generations to change their lifestyle on immediate
basis else it could leave a huge patch of darkness after few decades.

Feedback:
1. You could add a sentence or two given the current word count is 259 and you can stretch your essay to 320 words.
2. ‘rather outdoors’- rather than outdoor
3. ‘prompt’ – inappropriate use of the word here
4. ‘inevitable’ – give comma after inevitable
5. ‘it brings good rather worst’ – when it is for good
6. ‘open outdoor’ – open outdoor areas such as parks and playgrounds
7. ‘society is in a great need to understand’ – society should understand
8. ‘concerns’ – problems
9. ‘increase use of’ – increasing use of
10. ‘are more fitter’ – are fitter, no need to write more with fitter

Band score – 6


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