IELTS MASTER | sample essay 17

sample essay 17

Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to
tackle the problem?

Attempt 1: With the evolving ways of modern era and fast pace technology, students are looking forward for more indoor activities rather outdoors. Firstly, this essay will talk about why this is a prompt way to engage themselves by students and what changes shall be made in lifestyle in order to prevent this.

Change is inevitable however it is beneficial only when it brings good rather worst. With increasing modernization, shrinkage of open outdoor, pollution, crime and technology around us has increased the unsaid requirement for students to be more indoor than outdoor. For example, based on the recent study conducted by WHO shows that 37% of students prefer surfing and playing games on the computer rather than actual physical outdoor games.

Based on the above outlined reasons, it has become very important that society is in a great need to understand and recognize the magnus of this issue which could lead future generations towards various medical and behavioral concerns. To prevent the increase use of computer games, parents and society is required to push the students and young generation towards the outdoor games and sports by creating more clubbed play areas for each zone. For example, national data of education reflects that students living in boarding schools are more fitter and healthier than regular school students because they do not get opportunity to play sports that boarding schools student get.

In conclusion, it is very important for current and future generations to change their lifestyle on immediate
basis else it could leave a huge patch of darkness after few decades.

1. You could add a sentence or two given the current word count is 259 and you can stretch your essay to 320 words.
2. ‘rather outdoors’- rather than outdoor
3. ‘prompt’ – inappropriate use of the word here
4. ‘inevitable’ – give comma after inevitable
5. ‘it brings good rather worst’ – when it is for good
6. ‘open outdoor’ – open outdoor areas such as parks and playgrounds
7. ‘society is in a great need to understand’ – society should understand
8. ‘concerns’ – problems
9. ‘increase use of’ – increasing use of
10. ‘are more fitter’ – are fitter, no need to write more with fitter

Band score – 6

Attempt 2: Computer games are becoming a popular form of activity that students are taking these days than sports. With the advent of technology across everyone, it is now easier to say that we are very affected by it. Though, it seems to be fancy but not healthy for students who would otherwise play sports.

Computer games are the new world for today’s students. For the students, it is an ideal time pass and they are really fascinated with the world that these games provide. At the same time, these games do not discriminate and allow students to play even when they don’t have a partner, group or, friends.

As they are really accessible and available, they are becoming popular with every growing day. Moreover, students are able to even learn a couple of things from these games and from the world inside them.

Though it sounds rather convenient, computer games are spoiling the health of many students. Sports play a vital role in elevating the health of a student. At the same time, it allows students to gain skills like leadership, teamwork, and other social characteristics.

Students need to be educated about the advantages of getting out and playing a sport. Such motivations are required to be given by either their teacher or their parents. New and special kinds of classes in a school/university can be organised to allow students to try new sporting activities. Teachers can also showcase different case studies of popular sportsperson who they can look up to.

In conclusion, we can say that students need an external motivation and intent to play sports so that they realise to balance the time they spend in playing a sport and in playing computer games.

1. The ideal way to structure your essay is in four paragraphs. Watch our tutorial on task 2
2. ‘across’ – incorrect usage of the word across here
3. Your introduction is not phrased correctly as it should mention how the essay would be structured to give examiner an idea. Watch our tutorial to learn how to make perfect introduction
4. ‘are the new world for today’s’ – not making much sense here ‘new world’
5. ‘time pass’ – not time pass but pastime
6. ‘don’t’ – do not use contractions in IELTS writing always write complete words
7. ‘they’ – these not they, they is used for persons
8. ‘really accessible’ – easily accessible
9. ‘every growing day’ – each passing day
10. Your essay falls short on task completion status. The statement does not ask about the ill effects of computer games hence the fourth paragraph is irrelevant

Band score – 6-6.5